This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is the ideal vehicle for me to explain why, for me, knives are a completely and totally off limit/hard limit for me in any BDSM or Kink scene or scenario.
WARNING – the following post deals with subject of rape, if this will upset you in any way then please DO NOT READ ON.
This is a true account of what actually happened to me.
If have any questions or you wish to contact me about this post feel free to email me.
This is an account of the taking of my virginity at the age of 16 years.
I was taken out for the evening by a lad that I had known for some time and, up to that night, had no reason to distrust him.
We spent the evening having a good time at a party and having some drinks. When the time came to leave he asked if I would like to go back to his for a coffee before driving me home. I innocently said that I would.
MY BIGGEST EVER MISTAKE.
We got back to his and he put the kettle on and took me into his small living room/bedroom. We kissed and cuddled a bit and he started to get more insistent as to what he wanted. I said that I had never done this before and his response was “oh don’t be stupid of course you have, you are a little tart”. Alarm bells went off in my head and I tried to insist that I wanted to go home. He just laughed, “oh you are not going home yet, you haven’t given me what you promised”. I had promised him nothing.
I started to try and get up from where I was sitting and he forced me back down, I was getting really scared now, in his house, in the middle of nowhere and no way of getting home apart from a very long walk.
I told him that I did not want this, but he did not care.
He forced himself upon me, held my hands tight and pulled my top off me, he man-handled my tits, pinching and twisting my nipples very hard, I tried to use my legs to try and kick out at him.
At this point he pulled a large kitchen knife from somewhere, I have no idea where he had it. He put it to my throat and told me to do exactly as he said, I froze completely, eyes wide and disbelieving. He undid my jeans I was wearing and told me to remove them, I did so, feeling the blade at my throat.
My mind shut off and I went numb, I know now that it is a reaction of the brain to enable survival to try and detach from the situation.
Then as he held the knife to my throat my virginity was taken, cock was forced into vagina, no permission, no consent, without a care to me or my situation. My tears fell silently as this happened.
Afterwards he then said that he was going to “lick me out” as I had been so compliant.
I was just completely shut down, numb, empty of feeling.
He placed the knife on my belly and then started to lick me, he was making my legs jump and twitch, I know now that it was because he was playing my clit well, my body reacted despite my mind not agreeing. I orgasmed. I am told this is very common (this caused dreadful problems later on with other men for a very long time as it just brought the whole bad situation back to me).
I just lay there a knife on my belly as he did as he pleased.
After he had had his fill of me he told me to get dressed and he would drive me home. In shock I dressed, got into his car and he drove me home, I felt ashamed, dirty and knew that I could tell no-one of what happened. I felt that there was little point in telling the police, it was his word against mine, I was dressed provocatively and had been drinking – very difficult to prove. So I kept it hidden I told no-one. Even to this day, as far as I am aware, not even my mother knows what happened.
I have told some of the men that I have since been with some of what happened, purely because of reactions that I can sometimes still have.
A week or so later I saw him in a local pub – he came up to me and asked me “did you enjoy yourself the other night?” and grinned. I just looked at him called him a “bastard” and walked away. I saw him a few times after this but managed to avoid contact with him. Thankfully within the year he left the country and went travelling, I never saw him again.
In many ways I feel that this experience has strengthened me as a person, although it still does affect me occasionally.
I have no idea what I would have been like without this experience, but it has happened and I live with it.
So for me, knives and knife play, definite hard limit.
I also have to be careful with bondage, as for safety many riggers will have knives around to enable a rope or tie to be quickly cut in an emergency, therefore, there has to be a lot of trust for me with the rigger and those around me.
Knives aesthetically beautiful yes but definitely “Off Limits” for me!
Velvet will share her stories, both autobiographical and fictional together with poetry, when the inspiration takes her, as well as some of her photography.